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Did someone say colonoscopy?

Wednesday, March 4, 2020
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I was nearly a decade late, but, yes, I finally summoned my intestinal fortitude and underwent a colonoscopy.

Some people procrastinate about diagnostic tests because they’re terrified of potential bad news (“That mole is NOT irregularly shaped; it’s shaped just like a basketball, and, um, about the same size”) or because they’re swayed by alarming anecdotes (“My mechanic’s cousin’s life coach got a colonoscopy once – and the next morning there was a hook hanging from his car door!”) or because they don’t realize modern medicine has replaced old techniques like the greased-ferret-going-in-and-taking-meticulous-notes method.

How quickly time slips away. One day it’s all “Sesame Street” (“Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet…”), and seemingly overnight, it’s “Let’s go spelunking where the sun don’t shine!”

I am confident that people who have survived colon cancer because of an early diagnosis will give my recommendations a hearty “Amen.” Granted, people who are currently drinking their sodium picosulfate and prepping for a colonoscopy will have religious leanings more like “Dear God, please make it stop!”

I am eternally grateful for my family’s being supportive during my purging activities. Emperor Palpatine would have been more willing to give up the throne than I was.

People who cast a ballot get rewarded with an “I Voted” sticker. Why can’t people who undergo a colonoscopy get an “I made Lysol stock skyrocket” button?

But I digress. Everything turned out fine. Not even any benign polyps to remove. “See us again in 10 years.”

In fact, my wife, the college biology teacher, was so impressed with the snapshots of my innards, she plans to show the pics (“better than the textbook!”) to her class next semester. I kid you not.

Danny welcomes email responses at and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”